Wednesday, July 21, 2010

like the wind

It's been a very long time since I've been so open about my personal life.  I'm good at bottling things up and even better at my catharsis when I can't take it anymore.  I've clearly hit my cracking point and so this post ensues. 

I'm not happy.  That's the easy diagnosis.  My confidence is either sky high or rockbottom and all along the highs and lows, I feel gripped and even paralyzed by fear.  I never thought I'd see the day after being so brave as a child and strongwilled and opinionated as a teen, but that's exactly where I am right now.  I am just 2 months shy of my 24th birthday, and I've never felt more scared in my life.  I'm calling it my near quarter life crisis because that's an easy blanket to throw on top of the problem.

I don't know when I started feeling like I was living my life in autopilot, but baby, I am so there right now.  It's hard to put your hands back on the wheel and direct your life in the right direction when you've been letting the car do the driving all along.  It's even harder to muster the enthusiasm to make changes knowing any road I travel down will be heading toward the unknown at 100 mph.  I should be excited about the unknown because I'm only 23.  The unknown should represent the rest of my life and not knowing what wonderful events will take place.  The thing is I can't think rationally like that.  I tell myself to think that way and really believe it, but part of me won't let myself do that. 

Career wise, I'm extremely successful.  I'm have a great paying job, but it is at the expense of so many other things.  I work around the clock and don't have time to work on relationships.  I'm a very lucky person for having the friends I do, or I think I would lose them.  Since I spend so much time working, I've gotten pretty good at it.  This results in tasks that require more time and energy, something I am no longer so willing to give away... particularly when I don't feel like I have a choice. 

As far as my boyfriend goes, we are in two different places.  I feel like I'm trapped in a bubble floating away, forced to watch as he gets smaller and smaller on the ground.  The worst part is, I question if he'd still be there waiting to catch me if I popped the bubble and let myself fall.  Losing him terrifies me.

I know I need to make a change.  I had my wake up call this past December when a coworker and friend suddenly passed away.  He was 27.  It put a lot of things into perspective for me.  I doubt I’ll do anything stupid, but it reminded me of being in kindergarten and thinking about the things we want to be when we grow up. I don’t think auditor crossed my mind until junior year of college. I see some of the senior managers killing themselves to be on the partner track and I just know that’s not for me.

I've taken a lot of things for granted and I think the realization of how long that list is is overwhelming.  I'm only human and I can only make so many changes at a time without being completely irrational.  I just wish there were some magic button that could prioritize the decisions... or even better, a happy button that just makes everything right.

1 comment:

urbanrhetoric said...

i know it sounds like simplifying it, but i do believe in the quarter life crisis. i remember being 24/25 and scared/panicked/overwhelmed by my life. i slipped into a pretty deep depression....but i took some time to talk to a therapist (that took some shopping around b/c i didn't click with most of the ones i met), went on a 10 day vacation and read a lot.

this is all to say that you are not alone. and you will get through this period. but you need to do the things that are good/healthy for you.